Culture shamed or ashamed?

Recently I have been striving to feel more comfortable in my brown Indian skin in all situations, including a Christening I was invited to. Growing up, times were so different to now, people stayed and socialised only within their own cultural community so whenever I went to a formal event I always wore a traditional Indian outfit. This year I realised that dressing traditionally is the way I feel most comfortable at formal events, so I went to the Christening in my traditional Indian outfit - and surprisingly it really was a game changer. Not only did I feel so incredibly comfortable but the very act seemed to allow others to be their most authentic selves, and I had some really great conversations.

And an amazing thing happened, the only other brown person at the Christening came over to talk to me. My traditional attire felt like the unspoken invitation, and soon enough we found ourselves deep in conversation about what it means to be a British Asian, our experiences growing up, being the first generation to be raised here in England, the nuances in growing up in different parts of England, and how we were building a relationship to our culture as adults. Our conversation naturally led to how it felt at times to be the only brown person in a room, community or workplace.

But what surprised me most is how we had a similar experience of being shamed for being ‘too white’ and being called an ‘oreo’ or ‘coconut’ (meaning brown on the outside and white on the inside). It fills me with deep sadness that this judgement fractures our South Asian community, particularly that in some families the lineages to our mother tongue, ancestral traditions and family history have been lost because of the colonisation, the India-Pakistan partition and the diaspora of South Asians in the UK (and other parts of the world).

Children’s book in SE Asia, source unknown

Yet almost contradictorily, our community judges us by the standards given to us by the coloniser - such as the colour of our skin.

There is a conscious and subconscious shame that can be carried by just being brown (and even nuanced to the particular shade of brown), living in the country of the coloniser, all the whilst being subjected to the unconscious and conscious bias from English folk because of the noticeably different name, skin colour, and the nuances of talking and mannerisms. Not to the mention the shame passed down through the generations who were more affected by colonisation.

The shame we may carry as a South Asian in the UK can be a double edged sword, on the one hand we are not viewed by the British as equals and there has yet been no acknowledgement of Britain’s history with India. Whilst on the other hand our fracture in our relationship with our own culture or the deep resonance with our British identity can bring judgement and shunning from within our own cultural community.

So where do we fit as a first generation British South Asian or a South Asian whose childhood home has been the UK?

I really believe we are creating a new culture, one that reflects and honours our ancestral lineage, traditions and motherland, but also expresses our life experience, our birth or childhood home, a blend of British culture and a land we dearly love.

May we heal the wounds of the ancestors and all learn to live in peace, balance and harmony.